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30 de janeiro de 2022 às 18:16 #645519
The three rings of Renzulli and higher intelligence.
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Passive-aggressive friends are bad companions on the journey. However, sometimes it is hard enough to leave them on the platform, to say goodbye, to explain to them that nothing is easy with them, that friendship hurts and that we feel clearly hurt by their way of being. So, while it is true that it is difficult to deal with this type of relationship, it is something we should consider.
So… what would be the right thing to do in these situations: to continue to maintain that bond or to talk seriously with that friendship and demand changes? Well, in this type of situation there is no universal formula. In fact, within the passive-aggressive personality there are different subtypes, so we can be in front of people with a more harmful behavior and others where it is a little less so.
The truth is that despite the existence of different typologies, living with someone passive-aggressive means having to put up with, almost daily, behaviors where insecurity, ambivalence, resentment and even hidden aggression abound. Sometimes they can be very subtle, but when you share time with this type of profile, such subtleties end up being seen coming and hurt like pins.
In any case, the best thing to do is to know how to react. Having a passive-aggressive person as a friend means, among other things, experiencing conflicts almost continuously, and experiencing a slow demoralization. When what one expects precisely from a friendship is just the opposite. Let us therefore delve a little deeper into this subject.
Fear generally manifests itself in two ways: through aggressiveness or through submission.
-Paulo Coelho
Passive-aggressive friends, a very common personality typePassive-aggressive personality has been described in psychology for more than a century. It was in fact the Austrian psychoanalyst Wilhem Reich who first told us about it shortly after World War II. According to him, it was the most predominant personality type among the population.
Also, shortly afterwards, this profile ended up appearing in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), categorized as a personality disorder. However, in the latest versions of this manual it has ceased to be considered a “disorder” to be understood simply as a form of personality, one that, in certain cases, can appear with other conditions, such as obsessive-compulsive disorders or even dependent personality disorder.
On the other hand, and as we well know, this type of behavior can appear in many people in our close environment: fathers, mothers, partners, co-workers, friends… However, there is a curious fact, and that is that it is easier for us to identify this behavior in others than in ourselves. We must keep this in mind: we are all susceptible to this type of harmful dynamics.
Passive-aggressive friends and their behaviorsWhen we talk about passive-aggressive friends, the subject is somewhat more complicated. The reason? Often what unites us with these people is time and affection. It is possible that we have lived many things by their side, and even that we have become accustomed to being patient, forgiving and giving third and fourth chances.
However, we know that there is something wrong with them and we do not know how to name it. Therefore, let’s see what characterizes this type of profile. For this, we will draw on the work of Theodore Millon.
They are deviousWhat exactly does it mean to be devious? This term refers to a clearly devious type of behavior. Here are some examples:
They are prone to procrastination. They take a long time to give answers, to come to an appointment, to react when something is expected of them.
They are people who always “forget” things, those you cannot trust and who always have a thousand excuses and justifications in their pocket.
They are prone to frequent anger; when they do, they use silence as a punishment.
They are abrasivePassive-aggressive friends apply abrasive behaviors, the kind that hurt and leave an emotional mark. This means that their treatment is usually harmful, at times they make use of an apparent moral superiority to judge and criticize us; soon after, they are submissive and dependent.
Instability as a way of beingA phrase that defines them perfectly is “with you, but without you”. They have the need to control us, to be on top of us to supervise every aspect of our lives, but at the same time, they can’t stand our opinion about what they do or don’t do. Likewise, it is common for them to be full of energy and positivity and hours later, to be a pit of resentment and suffering.
Eternal dissatisfactionPassive-aggressive friends see a problem in every situation, a mistake in every detail, a speck of dust in every sparkling crystal. Something like this generates, for example, that we cannot share with them our joys, because if there is something in which they are experts it is in extinguishing illusions, hopes and also their own morale.
Likewise, this type of personality is very skilled at using victimhood, also those glasses where they only see themselves and their own distorted reality.
I have a passive-aggressive friend, what can I do? Passive-aggressive friends can demoralize us and completely distort the concept of friendship. We should not get used to this type of behavior; on the contrary, we can react using very specific strategies.
Do not fall into his trap: if he stops talking to you out of anger, let him do it, if he asks you to do something you do not want or do not want to do, do not do it, if he throws anything in your face, do not give him any importance. The last thing we should do is to reinforce these behaviors and let them affect us in some way.
Always keep one thing in mind: what the passive-aggressive person fears most is to be ignored and lose your friendship, so do not give importance to any kind of threat or blackmail.
Be firm and calm. You need to make it clear to those passive-aggressive friends that you will not tolerate this type of behavior. Always communicate this to them calmly and closely, balance should always be your best strategy.
If there is no change, it is better to keep your distance. It is necessary that these people are clear that such harmful behaviors cannot be repeated. If they happen again and that friend does not have any will to generate changes, to improve and to become aware, the ideal is to establish distance.
Ideally, this type of personality should have professional help. Since they do not always take this step, let us try to protect our psychological well-being by remembering that we are facing a very harmful behavior.
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